So after a crappy night of sleep due to wicked heartburn (I did happen to catch the start of a movie on the premium channel though which was nice, even at 4am – without schedule this is very difficult) I met with the resident and my doctor as usual this morning. He literally had nothing to say except to ask me if I’ve had any contractions. So I asked him what the plan was, what’s going on here. Just basically looking for some idea of how long I’m in here for. No answer. Of course. He doesn’t want to check my cervix because it might cause contractions, which I understand, but that’s what’s keeping me in here. So if we don’t check it, how will we know if it’s getting worse or staying the same? So then I asked if I was in here indefinitely, or if there’s a time frame, or what. He just laughs at me, and then hems and haws and says maybe ill check your cervix at the end of the week. Maybe? Really? You can’t make a plan for a certain day? Nothing has changed in my situation in like four days. At this point I started tearing up and I’m trying not to cry. He knows I want to be home with my son and says with all that’s going on at home it’s probably better for me to be here. No it’s not! Stress can cause preterm labor too! And I’m certainly stressed being away from home and my baby. So that’s where it gets left with him. I know nothing more than I did days ago.
I started bawling as soon as he left the room, and talked to Brian a little to convey my wonderful conversation with the doctor. The nurse came in after that and of course my eyes are all puffy and red and she basically tells me to plan to be here a while. The nurses say that, but they aren’t calling the shots, and without knowing the whole picture are just guessing. But why can’t my doctor just say that? Why can’t he just say yes you will be here until the babies are born, or you will be here until we see x and y happen. I’m such a planner and do much better knowing exactly what to expect. I know we can’t predict what may happen, but if he could just say ok I’m observing you for 8 days, looking for this, and if we don’t see this you can go home, that would make this a lot easier. I don’t know if all women in my situation have this issue, or if my doctor is just noncommittal, but it is just so frustrating.
My life at home is changing, as we are partially moved next door, and my son has been off schedule with his sleeping, and I can’t do anything except sit here. I get picture updates throughout Easton’s day and can just wish I was there enjoying it with him. Yes, yes, I’m doing the most important job here, blah, blah, blah, but it feels like I’m doing nothing. And I hate that feeling.
Brian came here this morning with Easton and at one point E hurt his finger in the door and I picked him up to comfort him, he just kicked and pushed away and ran to Daddy. That killed me. The longer I’m in here the more he won’t need me. I know (after a great talk with my best friend) that it’s a short time that I’m in here, as compared to the rest of his life, and in the long run he won’t remember, and it won’t affect my relationship with him, but feeling replaced and unnecessary to him is not fun.
So, needless, to say, today has been emotionally tough for me, and hopefully tomorrow I’ll feel better, and more prepared to hear NOTHING from my doctor. I’ll end on a positive note, and report that monitoring today revealed no contractions. Yay!