Mommy Guilt

It’s been a rough couple of weeks.  Bottom line:  husbands should never have to go away for business when their wife is pregnant with quads and also has a toddler to take care of.  Three days doesn’t sound like much, but when you make that two weeks in a row, and three days turns into four, it adds up.  Especially when the only break is naptime, or when your wonderful father-in-law takes your son out to mow the lawn for a couple hours.  It’s not only about the back pain I get when I sit anywhere but the couch for any length of time, or when I have to keep picking up my 36 pound son, or when I have to roll (literally) out of bed at 5am to feed the dogs and let them out.  It’s also about missing the support of having your husband there with you.  Somehow it makes it all easier and I feel happier and able to struggle through the pains a lot easier when he’s here.  When he comes home from work at 4 o’clock, and is there to cuddle with after our son goes to bed.  He’s just someone to talk to about the things I can’t talk about with anyone else.  I just miss him.

 

When he’s away, I’m solely responsible for Easton.  Not just his basic needs like food and sleep, but also to play with him and get him fresh air, exercise and FUN.  But on those days when all I want to do is flop on the couch, I feel so bad for him.  I feel terrible keeping him inside on a beautiful day because I don’t have the energy to walk around outside with him.  I have so many ideas and activities that I want to do with him, to teach him and to enjoy with him, but lack the energy to make them happen.  The guilt is awful and I cry about it at the end of the day.  When I’m lying in bed alone at night, I see him so peacefully sleeping in his crib on the monitor, and I sometimes cry about how I didn’t give enough that day.  It’s the worst feeling.  Lots of people tell me to basically not be so hard on myself, that he understands and he’s happy still, but the guilt is there.  I just want to be the best mommy I can be for him, and it’s hard when I don’t live up to that. 

 

Last week I was feeling completely run down and it was a chore to even hold my head up.  It was like I was back in the first trimester, minus the fun nausea.  Luckily, my son is very happy to play independently with his toys, most of all his tractors and cars.  But I wondered, where did this come from?  My diet was the same, and I was drinking water.  Was I just exhausted from being on my own a lot lately?  I didn’t think that was it though.  I talked to a new friend who has triplets, and she suggested I have my doctor check the iron levels in my blood.  Out of curiosity, I looked at the label on my prenatal vitamins and realized that there was zero iron in them!  I was so surprised, especially after I read that the recommended daily intake is 27mg.  I was happy to find iron supplements in my vitamin cabinet, and started taking one a day.  What a difference!  I’ve still been tired easily, but I guess that’s just normal in my condition.  But I felt back to my old second-trimester self again.  I’m so grateful to my friend for bringing that to my attention!  I eat a pretty good diet, but I think these four babies just take everything I put in and don’t leave much for me!

 

Today I had a good morning.  After a rough night and a bad start to this morning, E and I went out to the grocery store, where of course I treated myself with a mocha coolatta and he got some munchkins.  It’s our weekly (and sometimes more!) treat for being so good J  When we got home, he played while I emptied and put away, and then we went outside for some water play in the shade.  Then we had fun blowing bubbles for a while, and even played in the sprinkler!  I love days like that, where we just have so much fun together and I’m not dreaming of the couch the whole time.  Of course, now it’s naptime, and I’m BEAT, so I think mommy gets a little nap too.  And hopefully after naptime we can have some more fun and keep the mommy guilt away.

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4 thoughts on “Mommy Guilt

  1. I can’t imagine what you’re feeling right now carrying four. I feel the same some days and I’m only having one. Don’t be too hard on yourself, it sounds like you’re really doing a great job even though you don’t always feel like you are.

  2. You will always feel the guilt, but it will lessen. You are doing a great job! You need to take time for yourself now for you and the babies. Easton just needs a hug, love and you close by…then he will know he is loved!

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